Through the Looking Glass 
SAIC: Perpetual rabbit hole or should I say money pit
By Daniel Merkle
Ah, the beautiful, sprawling campus of SAIC, spread out over two miles of rolling hills, home to over fourteen thousand students - well, no. Instead our campus is bustling city with skin-splintering winds, elevated trains, and motorist exhaust, and amidst this disjointed cluster of buildings, you will undoubtedly stop one day, breathless, confused and ask yourself, "Why the hell is getting anything done around here so difficult?" You will have emotions you've never had before, ones that you imagine only other people, like drug addicts, rage epileptics, and students at gigantic state universities have. No, kids, SAIC may be small, without a campus, and located all within three or so blocks, but it can be a regular, living nightmare.
You'll hear the horror stories about the lack of communication between all of the offices on the seventh floor of Champlain/Sharp/Rage Cage building, so I will spare many of those tales. I will, however, offer some tips to eliminate some of the terror, suggestions that at the very least will allow you to arm yourself when WHOEVER offers you that blank, disbelieving stare.
1. If you have loans and know you are getting money back after the add/drop period, go to the Student Accounts office on the first day of school and sign the little release about your money. I only found out about this because I had to get the Butler Loan every semester and when I borrowed that money, I was presented with this sheet asking me where I wanted my loan refund sent. This process may be changing, but ask to be sure.
2. As mentioned in number one, get the Butler Loan. If you work on campus, you won't see pay until mid-September, almost October, if not later. Every student is allowed to borrow this money every semester (for graduate students, the total is 200 bucks!) So, when food is low, and your ass is two days away from being evicted, get the loan.
3. Always get a printout, no matter where you are - Bursar, Media Center, Student Accounts. This way you can see with your own eyes and have documentation. Believe me, this will save your little ass when the computers fuck up at the Media Center and some dim-bulb on Xanax gives you the brush-off. You-ll also praise the beautiful name of capitalism when you can actually see on a printout where your money is going.
With all these great new hints, however small, remember there is one aspect of SAIC you will never have any control over and it may perhaps drive you mad: gettin' paid. If you work on campus, you do get paid. I don't want to imply otherwise. However, the process prior to the paycheck is scary, scary, scary.
Here's what you have to do:
 Grab a timesheet from one of those mysterious boxes, fall down a rabbit hole, fill out your name, ID number, the pay period, the term, chase an invisible cat, run away from a crazed man in a bad hat - don't forget to write in your department, your authorization number, the dates and times you worked. Please never, ever forget to add them together or it's off, off, off with our head. When this is done, return the card to the mystery receptacle (but only after taking "your copy") and wait, pray, smoke a hooka with a caterpillar.
Chances are, though, when that day comes to actually get money, you will arrive at the Bursar's and the man on the chessboard will get up and tell you where to go. At Financial Aid, I mean ... The Queen's Palace, you'll discover you've left off a decimal point or used a fraction to indicate a half-hour. Sorry, you'll have to wait another two weeks to be paid. The best part - you'll have to fill out the time card again, correctly. And you'll be filling out the new ones as well. Hopefully you'll only have one job at SAIC, so you might not have that kind of anger you thought only other people had. You might wake up from the nightmare.
Illustrations by Daniel Torrente
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