F’s guide for SAIC students
How to escape from an offended professor
Though a professor’s job is to educate
and guide students, it is not uncommon for teachers and professors
to carelessly bring their own politics and views into the
curriculum. As a result, you may unwittingly say something
contrary to your superior’s beliefs and infuriate them.
This is a dangerous place to be, as your coveted “CR”
signifying course credit may be at stake. What should you
do if you happen to look cockeyed at an opinionated professor?
Do not run. A professor has already seen and heard your faux pas, and retreating will cause it to pursue you further.
Give the illusion that you are bigger by opening your coat wide. A college professor will generally refrain from attacking people its own size.
Flail your hands and growl. Let it know that you, also, can take offense.
Wait until the professor retreats or back away slowly.
If a professor pounces, protect your neck at all costs. Professors usually will bite down on the back of your neck, delivering the “fatal chomp.” Do not play dead. Smack around the eyes and nose until you ward it off.
How to escape an unwanted analysis of your CD collection
If a dormmate stumbles upon your CD collection
and immediately begins to diagnose your musical taste, do
not panic. This behavior is common among deluded dormmates
who feel the world values their opinion. Avoiding a superficial
conversation is neither easy nor safe, but by diverting attention
away from your musical preferences, you should come out unscathed.
Become invisible. Do not antagonize a dormmate and do not move. Interjecting or even acknowledging the dialogue only confirms its assumption that someone is listening. Instead, find a sock or three-ring binder.
Dormmates are drawn to movement. Remain still and throw the object away from you. The roommate should wander toward the object you’ve thrown. It should become distracted.
If your dormmate’s friend or friends should join in on any pretentious banter, tossing objects will most likely fail, as a dormmate’s tenacity increases with greater numbers. Though it may result in a trip to the emergency room, the focus from this situation can still be diverted.
Simply locate a pencil or a ballpoint pen. Using your right hand (if you are right-handed) or your left hand (if you are left-handed), plunge the pencil into your eye. Screaming and lightheadedness will soon follow as the dormmates become distracted.