The hills are alive with the sound of Walken
For September, F asked: The rumor in the streets is that Tim Burton, of Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands fame, is remaking the stoner classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Internet nerds and movie fans alike are speculating that celebrities as diverse as Johnny Depp, Robin Williams, Marilyn Manson, and Nicholas Cage may star in the title role.
What F wants to know is: If you were a producer with unlimited resources, what movie would you remake, with what cast, and why?
I think it’s ridiculous; no one could ever do Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory over again and make it good. The Oompa Loompas won’t be as short, the learning lessons they give won’t be as straightforward, the boy won’t be as excited. The grandpa won’t be as thoughtful, and Mr. Wonka won’t be as charming. No way they can remake that movie, it’s a classic!!!!!
I would remake The Godfather 3 as an Asian-American mobster film: with Yoko Ono, she’s a big-mama; Rick Yoon, because he looks like a jackass; Jang Ji-yi from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, because she’s hot; and the old master from a karate movie called SideKick.
Influences from Hong Kong Noir and Japanese soft-core porno a.k.a. “Roman-porno” would be highly visible. The Godfather 3 remake will be the action-packed, sex-filled, “stylish with attitude” movie of the year.
If I were a producer with unlimited resoureces I would remake the story of The Beach into a parody story. Sexy actress Vivica A. Fox, from such films as Juwanna Mann and Booty Call, and her long-time friend, Beyoncé Knowles, want to experience utopia by going to a deserted island in the Caribbean. However the island, previously thought to be uninhabited, turns out to have two Carib Indians (cannibals) actors Busta Rhymes and Eddie Murphy living on the island. The cannibals create unforseen trouble for the adventure-seeking ladies. This film emphasizes a fresh satirical and impossible situation of finding utopia far away from the hustle-bustle of everyday life. Vivica and Beyoncé struggle with transforming their past mainstream lifestyles to what they thought to be the ultimate adventure.
The 1968 cult classic, Wild in the Streets — a comedic drama that illustrates how “power” corrupts even the best intentions. During the first few years of the Vietnam War, the country was divided politically, questioning the legitimacy of the war and whether or not the establishment was justified in sending in troops that (at that time) were not able to vote and thus lacked a voice in the political process. There are some interesting parallels between the idealized youth movement of ’60s and ’70s and the current administration in the White House: How they gain power; how they hold on to power; and how they are ultimately corrupted by the power.
Cast:
l (19-year-old President) Max Frost: James
Van
Der Beek or Ryan Phillippe
l Max’s girl friend, ex-child porn star, (Senator)
Sally Leroy: Brittany Murphy
l Max’s mother: Diane Lane
l Max’s Father: Billy Bob Thorton or Tim
Robbins
l California Congressman: Gary Oldman or
Jeff Bridges
If I had unlimited resources and what not I would completely remake Flash Gordon. I love the ’80s version, but that dumb football guy they cast as the lead was a hack. Honestly, I would probably leave the rest of the cast the same, but Flash would be played by Owen Wilson (boo-yah, Texas rules!). He’s cheesy, too, but not because he can’t read a line. Damn — even thinking about that other guy ticks me off — I mean, that movie had Topol & Max Von Sydow — you don’t screw around when you’ve got guys like that in your film. What were they thinking? Dale Arden was a little off, too, I think Drew Barrymore would be a better choice.
— Sarah Sharp, Senior, Painting and Drawing
The Rocky Horror Picture Show ... starring: (the guy who played Willard --- Crispin something), Anna Nicole Smith, Howard Stern, Ozzy Osbourne, Queen Latifah, and Billy Bob Thornton (he could direct it too). Maybe someone like LaToya Jackson could also be in there.
--- Stephen G. Gilmore, Vice President for Development and Alumni Relations
This is a tough one since most movies I would love to remake are better left alone ... but perhaps The Goonies ... [with the] same cast just as they all are today (come on who doesn’t want to see Corey Feldman employed again?).
--- Steph Bowlin, Junior
The Sound ... of Music. All roles to be played by Christopher Walken. Why? It would be funny.
--- Joshua J. Van Wie, Grad student, Painting and Drawing
Dear F,
I would remake A Beautiful Mind and rename it A Beautiful
Mime. It would feature a whiteface mime pretending to write
complicated math formulas on a non-existent chalkboard. I
feel this would provide a more effective post-structuralist
commentary on the delusions of the original film, or something.
Can you tell I am procrastinating? I have a lot of work to do. And by the way, I enjoyed the original Willy Wonka without the benefit of hallucinogens or narcotics.
Sincerely,
I’ve always had the idea to do a remake of Three the Hard Way, the ultimate Blaxplotation classic from 1974 with Jim Brown, Fred Williamson and Jim Kelly, about three black men who stop a white racist’s plot to kill all black people in the U.S. by poisoning the water supply. The time is now right for a remake with Samuel L. Jackson, Wesley Snipes, and whatever rapper is hot at the moment.
I’d begin remaking all the Star Wars prequels (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, etc.), using totally unknown actors, simple set design, and minimal special effects. Lucas missed the biggest chance any movie producer has ever had to do give the public something fresh and unexpected with these ultra-anticipated prequels, but he chose to wimp out and make Happy Meal ads instead.
My first thought was John Waters should have a go at it, or at least be Mr. Wonka. Which could lead to some kind of vaguely disturbing portrait of the sad man that was Mr. Wonka. (Mr. Waters: “Stop, don’t...”) At least allow Mr. Waters to direct it; he’d be a much more appropriate a nutcase to crack open the vast world that is the chocolate factory. Yes, I’ve seen Beetlejuice at least 50 times; quite a few of those times while I was high and I still laugh. But Mr. Waters, of course, would have it set in Baltimore. It’d be horrifically appealing and perfectly uncomfortable. A level at which I’m not sure Mr. Burton has the sensitive touch necessary to keep the delicious subtle bits intact so we could all go home happy. He’d (Waters) pick the best drag queens and midgets, and have the funniest most fitting songs to fit Veruca. I’m picturing the little Oompa Loompa songs and what the hell would happen there. Then I realized what the question was.
Shoot.
Why should the films like Willy Wonka, The Shining, Cape Fear, etc., ever be remade? Why not use the hypothetical “unlimited resources” for making something new? Something that doesn’t exploit classic great movies by making a less-than-desirable copy, but uses the vision and insight in the classic to build something NEW that might one day be considered a classic itself. I believe that would be a much better use of anyone’s time, energy and unlimited resources.