FZINE: a place for high school students and teachers to read, interact, and contrbute. LAUNCH
I get bags and bags of mail here at the F News Headquarters. Some people just want autographed 8x10 glossies of me, some want to submit something to the paper, but most people just want advice on their love lives. I can understand why they would want that advice from me. I gave up a glamorous life of globe-trotting and romance to settle down with a perfectly reasonable man and edit this paper. So I’m fairly qualified in the romantic arts. This month we’re going to start with two basic questions from our precious readers, questions I think we all can relate to:
Dear SAIC, OK. Let’s talk about kneading bread, eh? Kneading is the most important part of making bread, because it’s the part that’s most sexy. It also creates the elasticity that bread needs to be bready. Kneading bread is just like that scene in Ghost where Patrick Swayze’s ghost is all necking up on Ashton Kutcher’s wife, and you feel guilty for thinking it’s kind of hot that that ghost is grinding up on that lady, but anyway, she’s all making ceramic stuff, and that’s just hot in it’s own right, but bread’s like that too, except you’re not left with another useless ashtray when you’re done. You have something you can eat and probably, no ghosts tried to get up in your way while you were making it.
Wait, why are you wearing a bra to make bread? Oh. Because it’s sexy. I get it. You’re meta-sexying it up. What you’re trying to do to this bread... well, remember when your parents would drag you somewhere on the east coast for a vacation, and you’d go see the saltwater taffy machine, and it was creating these threads of goo? Well, you’re trying to do what that machine did, except not too much. Just enough to create a smooth, elastic ball. Now you know how to knead bread. Aren’t you a little rock star? Maybe next I’ll teach you to make pizza dough or even baguettes, the sexiest bread of all.
NATALIE’S basic bread rules: 1. Take off your rings, watches, fake nails, etc. They will get stuck in the dough. 2. If you have hairy wrists or hands, do whatever it takes to prevent those tiny hairs from getting in your dough. I recommend gloves or shaving your freaky wrists, you freak. Promise, even Ashton Kutcher’s hippy potter wife would be instantly unimpressed by pubic hair in her bread. 3. Clean your counter and your hands and don’t let your cats up on your counter while you’re making bread. No one likes hairy bread. That’s why I said you should shave your wrists. 4. Get a food processor. A Cuisinart. At least get a standing mixer. Tell your mom or dad or aunt that you need one for Christmas or some other holiday like Hannukah. A food processor will revolutionize your kitchen life, and make people think you’re a real grown-up with actual grown-up tastes and abilities. 5. Get a baking stone. If you don’t have one, leave a cookie sheet in the oven while the oven preheats, that is, until you get a baking stone. They’re ten bucks at Target. 6. Get parchment paper. It will make your life easy and less messy, and nothing sticks to it. They don’t have it at Target, so get it at Jewel. You can also draw on it after you use it. 7. You should have Kosher salt. For bread and everything else. It dissolves easily, sticks to meats best, and isn’t as salty and chemical-tasting as table salt. Thanks, Jews!
Dear Natalie, Since you are such a goddess of romance, I thought I would ask you if you can solve my problem: I really like this lady and I want to invite her over to dinner, but I don’t know how to make anything impressive enough to keep her around for even one evening. What did you cook to make all those men and women fall in love with you?
Dear SAIC, As you rightly assumed, the best way to get anyone in the sack is with food. There’s a reason Jesus was all about “breaking bread” with folks: bread is sexy and increases your chances of getting that special someone to get in your bed. Lucky for Jesus, he was a magician and didn’t have to go through the hassle of baking the stuff. For those of us who aren’t magicians, I’ve included a simple bread recipe that will help you get some attention without having to martyr yourself.