Lower Layer

fnewsmagazine wrote this in the late afternoon:

Three of us (N,B,&S) formed this a forum in an effort to discuss the lower layer of thought and expression that often gets obscured by the mainstream media.

In an attempt to touch on the vast expanse of issues, we decided to each focus on one of the following categories: international politics, culture, and U.S politics and social issues.

Your comments and views are integral in gaining a greater understanding of these issues. If you are interested in contributing a longer post please e-mail Nicolette Bond, and it will be featured.

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fnewsmagazine wrote this around lunchtime:

On August 5 two guests on Ask Real Talk, a Floridian local politics T.V. show, demonstrated for us the evolutionary pinnacle of political punditry. Human specimen #1 called Human Specimen #2 a liar. Standard televised debating technique. Human Specimen #2 responded by continually calling Human Specimen #1 “fat” and “fat boy.” A little off the beaten path but within the maturity level one can expect to witness any night of the week on Fox News’ O’Reilly (See entries in The Oxford Dictionary of Quotations under “pinhead” and “Shut up”.) But then Human Specimen #1 stood up, walked off camera, and from there threw a chair at Human Specimen #2. Perhaps you’ve already seen it. It’s all over the web (http://www.askrealtalk.com/bleepin/index.html).

I say, “More chairs!” I say this because I’m obligated by my convictions. See, I’m what some paleontologists classify as a self-described liberal. As such I necessarily believe in evolution. What we’re merely seeing in Florida is the evolution of a favored style within current political discourse. After all, Florida has provided them paleontologist types with proof of evolution for years. Keep in mind, though, evolution does not guarantee progress or improvement.

Here’s the plan: Someone disagrees with you? Throw a chair! Your professor rejects your term paper? Throw a chair! Do you and your roommate argue over doing the dishes? Throw a chair! After that, throw a bigger chair. Throw a lazy boy recliner at the s.o.b. Try a futon. For truly important matters (marital problems, international treaties, inebriated celebrities blaming the Jews) I suggest a sleeper sofa.

And why stop at furniture? Perhaps the U.N. would be more expedient if all the delegates carried switch blades. Who will be the first to bring an AK or M16 onto Crossfire? My bet is on George Will. Of course we all know Limbaugh is shooting blanks. (Obligatory impotence joke.)

While, as a liberal, I can take comfort that the endgame of this evolution will support my pacifist hippy-dippy open dialogue french (vs. freedom) fry approach to the world, it’s still pretty certain to be a disaster. “Cause and effect” in an sound-byte-howler-monkey-dunce-cap environment quickly turns into “cause and effect and a bigger effect.” Someone calls you fat, throw chair. They punch you for that, stab them. They shoot you, roll over them with a tank. Should they be so unreasonable as to consider this cause for introducing heavy artillery, just lob a couple hundred Katyusha rockets at their ass. If they bomb the hell out of your civilian population and infrastructure, why not go nuclear? And that’s how disagreements should be handled at the workplace and on the campaign trail.

Remember, if you’re liberal you’ll believe in evolution and you’ll throw a chair. If you don’t Boards of Education all over Kansas will win. And if you’re conservative you should also throw a chair, but don’t worry you won’t be bound to any of that freaky anti-god science-loving evolution part.

God/Darwin bless America. And the National Chair Manufacturers Association.

B

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fnewsmagazine wrote this around lunchtime:

In between wrangling and skeet shooting, George W. Bush made a quick call to the U.N asking them to, “get er done.” His urgent request may light a fire under the members who are redrafting the terms for a ceasefire between Lebanon and Israel. The initial resolution as squashed when Bush refused to sign unless several conditions were added, including an addendum which would have required every Lebanese and Israeli to, “kiss and make up.”

A team of Frenchman and Americans have been working around the clock writing a new proposition that all members will agree on. Disagreements continue to hamper the process as France’s ambassador to the UN, Jean-Marc de La Sabliere, still disapproves of the US’s choice of Comic Sans, and was hoping the resolution would be drafted using the more conventional, Times New Roman. While the two superpowers argue over what restaurant will cater their late night editing session, the death toll continues to climb.

N

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fnewsmagazine wrote this in the early evening:

Snipers killed at least 20 and injured an estimated 300 more when they opened fire on a street packed with Shiite pilgrims. But hold the presses, a creepy looking American in Thailand confessed to killing a little girl ten years ago.

Israeli forces raided a bunker in Southern Lebanon, followed by air raids as a part of the same operation. This comes during an increasingly fragile cease-fire that “ended” the month-long conflict that resulted in over 800 civilian deaths. But hold the phone, that creepy American guy’s ex-wife said she was with him in a whole other state ten years ago when that one white American girl got killed.

With tensions rising over the confused and mishandled elections in the Congo, gun battles broke out at the offices of the Elections Commission. Different wings of the country’s military, each with different loyalties, fought for several hours, leaving at least one dead and several wounded. But what, what, what??? Creepy American who may or may not have killed that kid in Denver a decade ago is on a plane! He’s on a plane? Holy shit!

Now if only JonBenet had been killed in Iraq, Beirut, Haifa or next door to any of the tens of millions of people dying of AIDS in Africa. But maybe this isn’t her fault, or the fault of her killer or even the media (no, of course not, the media is totally in the clear on this one). It’s the fault of Shiite and Sunni Iraqis who never had the forethought to have white children. Nor the genius to prim and tease their white children into disturbingly sexualized miniatures of runway models. And they are just showing their totally inept parenting by then not entering their unholy hairsprayed creations into beauty pageants. Then on top of it all, if you can believe it, they don’t even bother to have their children murdered in their basement under bizarre and sensational circumstances. They just can’t seem to get beyond their obsession for weeping over their non-white, non-sexualized children who get blown up by car bombs, IEDs or U.S. air strikes. Sheesh.

No wonder they can’t get this democracy thing figured out. See, democracy is dependent on a free press. And until they have a press that feels free to refer to scores of fatalities amid mounting sectarian violence as “tit-for-tat violence” under a minor headline while devoting headline banners and bloated font size to whether that creepy American had peanuts or pretzels on his flight home, they will never be able to responsibly govern themselves.

After that, all we got to do is convince Israel to carry some snakes on those fighter planes they use to bomb Lebanon, and we got the whole problem worked out.

B

Filed under: International
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fnewsmagazine wrote this in the early morning:

The President says wiretaps require a warrant, then says the NSA warrantless wiretapping is legal. He says they don’t spy on Americans but his administration doesn’t want lawsuits over the government’s warrantless tracking of our phone calls to proceed because it will reveal intelligence gathering techniques. He says we don’t torture but now wants congress to give the CIA an exemption to torture. He said we didn’t have secret prisons in Europe and now he says those secret prisons saved American lives. His administration also claims they don’t data mine.

***THIS IS A TEST OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT’S DATA MINING PROGRAM.***

***THIS IS ONLY A TEST***

Have you ever been to NEW YORK? I love to go to NEW YORK and BLOW all my cash on a big night out on the town. I took my cousin to NEW YORK once. She’s not from here. She’s from the middle of Australia, an area they call the BUSH. It’s like a DESERT, not much chance for TRAINING for a good time in NEW YORK there in the BUSH. So I took her to the big apple and we had a KILLER time. We stayed at the PRESIDENT hotel. They had a roach problem which TERRORIZED us. Oh, well, it’s still NEW YORK. We saw all the sites. The Broadway shows, the clubs, the SUBWAY, the TALL BUILDINGS, the rats. A real BLOW out weekend. We ended the trip with a PROTEST against REPUBLICAN SCANDAL and IMPEACHABLE OFFENSES and an ILLEGAL WAR IN IRAQ while I practiced FREE SPEECH and execised my FIRST AMEDNMENT RIGHTS by holding a sign that READ: BUSH IS A STINKY, LYING DOO-DOO HEAD.

Finally, VOTING DEMOCRAT WOMAN’S RIGHT TO CHOOSE POWER TO THE PEOPLE SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE CIVIL LIBERTIES ACLU VOTE VOTE VOTE FREEDOM DEMOCRATS OBAMA EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK NATIONAL HEALTHCARE QUALITY PUBLIC EDUCATION SPEAKING TRUTH TO POWER DISSENT OPPOSTION ANTI-WAR PEACE GROUPS…...

Cue the NSA and/or CIA and/or FBI and/or DHS knocking on my door in 5…

4…

3…

2…

1…

-B

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fnewsmagazine wrote this in the early afternoon:

“Err…Death. Lots of it.” With less than a month before the mid-term elections, Vice President Dick Cheney has hit the campaign trail. As he has done every other year since the 2000 Presidential Election, Cheney will visit towns and cities all over America to spread his characteristic messages of hope, inspiration and the indomitability of the American Spirit. “If you vote for Democrats you will all die in excruciating ways. Er. Totally beyond your imagination, if you will.”

“I was touched,” said Maggie Pearson who saw the Vice President at a recent rally in Casper, Wyoming. “It’s nice to hear a positive message for a change.” Maggie is one of millions of independent and undecided voters who could be swayed by Cheney’s renowned charm. “I was beginning to wonder if I would ever hear a politician talk about mass death, murder, nuclear attack and destruction of my whole family. Before I heard the Vice President’s speech today I thought politics was just too negative. Now I have hope.”

At the speech Ms. Pearson attended, Dick Cheney offered some of his trademark optimism, reminding the audience of the transcendent potential of American perseverance. “Er,” said the Vice President, “the Terrorists vote for Democrats. And, er, the Democrats eat babies. So there you have it. Terrorists will win and your babies will be eaten if you don’t vote Republican.”

This phenomenon witnessed by millions every autumn of an even numbered year begs the question, Where is Cheney when it isn’t an election year? I spoke with an entomologist to get some insight.

“The Cheney is subterranean for the most part.” Dr. Lewis Westinhouse is an entomologist with the University of Iowa. “It burrows dens several meters below ground. There it salivates a surprising amount of mucus, spins webs and shoots people in the face. Then, once every two years, the Cheney will return to the Earth’s surface to suck nourishment from the hearts of what we call ‘average voters.’ A fascinating species, the Cheney.”

Only this morning several thousand average voters who gathered at a local Elks’ club were called to display courage through patriotic sacrifice in the name of freedom and survival of the democratic experiment. “Voting for the other party will result in a mushroom cloud in your home town. Poisonous gas will fill your home. The terrorists will find employment at your child’s day care center. You will bleed from every orifice and your inner organs will liquify. Large creepy bugs will lay eggs in your ear canal. Er. Your flesh will burn off your body and the heads of your family members will burst before your eyes. That’s why you should vote for Republicans. Er. That’s why we listen to your phone calls and got rid of Habeas Corpus. Because we love freedom and are against eating babies. Er. If you will. Er.”

And who couldn’t be inspired by that? At that same event I overheard a member of Cheney’s staff remark to another, “Eat your heart out F.D.R.”

“Too late,” the other responded, “Cheney already ate his heart.”

Thank you Vice President. Thank you.

B

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fnewsmagazine wrote this mid-afternoon:

Apparently Chavez not alone in his belief that president Bush is truly the dark angel. In a speech given to supporters a few days ago, Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, claimed that Bush is, “inspired by Satan.” Perhaps Ahmandinejad was just returning the sentiment that Bush initially gave when he got a whiff of the same sulfur that Chavez did and dubbed the Middle East, “the axis of evil.”

Really, I like the direction where all the rhetoric is going. David Icke is probably just sitting back drinking some cognac and laughing. After all, it was his best selling books which first offered proof that the Bush family shares a reptilian bloodline, an EVIL reptilian bloodline. I mean it doesn’t take a master researcher to find that out. Have you seen George’s daughters? Total Komodos.

Seriously though, the other superpowers can say whatever they want, no one beats North Korea’s, Kim Jong-il. George Noory couldn’t hope for a better leader. Legend says that when Kim Jong-il was born there was a double rainbow and a new star appeared in the sky. Perhaps that has some connection to his bouffant and penchant for wearing platforms. Actually there many be one who can top him in crazy—his father who was elected “president for eternity.” What’s crazier than being in charge after you’re card has been drawn.

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fnewsmagazine wrote this in the early morning:

Religion has played an increasingly influential and outspoken role in American politics over the last ten years. Issues dubbed “moral values” have kept the focus on such premier concerns as gay monogamy and statues of the Ten Commandments at courthouses rather than those flippant, superfluous concerns like access to healthcare and a bloody, wasteful, unnecessary war. But with the Democratic success on November 7, 2006, some have speculated that God has lost interest in American politics.

The pundits couldn’t be more wrong.

The Almighty Himself watched the returns come in all night Tuesday. When it was clear Democrats, led by Nancy Pelosi, would take control of the House and with the Senate up for grabs, God was asked to comment.

“All I can say,” said God, “is Jesus Christ. I mean, thank fucking God, right? It’s about time. I don’t know what the hell took so long, but, whatever, I guess that’s not the point tonight. Tonight, the point is to party. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I need another beer. You want a beer?”

I couldn’t agree more. Yes: Thank fucking God. No: I don’t know what took so long. Yes: I want a beer.

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