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Top ten things I’d rather be doing when I
step outside my Chicago doorway in March and I notice that it is snowing,
again...
By Diana Guerrero-Maciá |
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- Para-sailing over the South Pacific ocean
- Soaking in a Korean steam bath
- Eating freshly caught fish in Havana
- Collecting rocks on Nauset Light Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
- Fighting the Jabberwocky Through the Looking-Glass
- Looking at a Zubarán painting in the Prado
- Walking under the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco
- Bombing down a hill on my bicycle
- Body-surfing a wave in any warm ocean
- Negotiating Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory
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Ten Reasons Why the South Side is the best side
of Chicago…
By Anita Welbon |
Like the old world maps that marked the end of the known world with
the phrase “Here be dragons,” the South Side of Chicago is
viewed as a dangerous no-man’s land to be avoided at all cost. Those
who venture south of the south loop, know the secret wonders of that vast,
little-known region.
- 1. Rainbow Beach Park, 75th and South Shore Drive, a
little known treasure
- Leon’s barbecue—you won’t find it on
the north side
- People who actually see and speak to you
- Location of some of the best homes and condominiums,
priced so that the everyday person can buy them
- The Museum of Science and Industry
- Washington Park, in the midst of which you’ll find
the DuSable Museum
- The University of Chicago, the “Ivy League”
university of the Midwest
- Carter G. Woodson Library, housing the largest collection
of African American literature and culture, second only to the Schomburg
Library in New York City
- Chinatown, Pilsen, and Bronzeville neighborhoods, reflecting
the diverse ethnicity of Chicago
- The School of the Art Institute of Chicago and The Art
Institute of Chicago, which are actually on the south side of the city,
also the Field Museum, the Adler Planeta-rium, and the Shedd Aquarium
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15 animated guys I would change the laws of nature to date
By Charles Loie |
- Spike Spiegel (Cowboy Bebop): What’s a nice Jewish
boy like you doing without a nice Jewish girl like me? Forget about
that bitch Julia, I’d treat you like you were the only space cowboy
in the universe. We can spend hours drifting around Ganymede, me combing
out your Jew-fro, you chain smoking like a fiend. Necrophilia is OK
when you’re just a series of panels!
- Trent (Daria): (Haiku) Moody musician/ monosyllabic but
hot/totally crushing
- Inuyasha: Half-human, half-demon, all sexy—I’ll
be your high-priestess if you promise not to piddle on the rug
- Aladdin: Even though your eyes are twice as big as your
face, you could ride my magic carpet and I’ll show you a whole
new world
- The Incredible Mister Limpet: Damn Don Knotts, you make
me want to go to the Shedd aquarium and think awful thoughts
- Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Trigun): Listen, preacher man,
you may have a Christ complex to rival Mel Gibson’s, but that
doesn’t mean I wouldn’t kill to help you carry that cross
- Ned Flanders: I saw you in that shower clip… I
know. And, starwipe!
- Tuxedo Mask (Sailor Moon): I may have thought you were
gay at first, but that’s OK. Just because your main form of weaponry
is a rose and you dress really well, doesn’t mean you aren’t
“all man.” Questionable sexuality is in, and if it doesn’t
work with me, I’ll totally set you up with Seshomaru from Inuyasha
- The Banana (from Don Hertzfeldt’s Rejected!): You
know who you are, and you say it loud and proud—I look for that
quality in my produce
- Jack Skellingtonn (The Nightmare Before Christmas): Maybe
it’s because you are king of the pumpkin patch, or perhaps it’s
your ability to remember the importance of holidays, or the fact that
you are voiced by Danny Elfman, or…well…isn’t that
enough?
- Jim Carrey: I don’t know if you’ve had some
work done, guy, or you are just reverting to your Once Bitten hotness;
either way, keep doing what you’re doing and lift the restraining
order soon
- Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles): It’s not
easy being teen-angsty and green; you’re like James Dean, but
in turtle form
- Charlie Brown: Let’s make the little redhead girl
jealous and make-out
- Pepe Le Pew: True, not only are you a cartoon, but also
a skunk. Truer still is the fact that you have a French accent. Je t’aime!
- Cartman’s Mom (South Park): What? She/he’s
a MILF!
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Fun things you can do with a sharpie and the Victoria’s Secret
swimsuit catalogue…
By Caroline Keem
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- Go through and circle all the Photoshop-jobs on the hips,
crotches, thighs, breasts and faces
- Draw an extra 20 pounds onto all of the models so that
they look human
- Turn all of the models into mythical sea monsters
- Play find-the-boob-job
- Go through and draw back all the body parts obviously
carved off
- Have witty and interesting comments coming out of the
models’ mouths like, “Come poop with me!”
- Pretend it’s a set of still shots from a sitcom
(like Gilligan’s Island) and invent a dialog (“Gilligan!
where did all this silicone come from!”)
- Step A.) draw water. Step B.) draw SHARKS!
- Turn the multitude of crotch-shots into a vagina monologue
to see what the parade of genitalia has to say for itself (“Hey!
Shut the door!”, “Can I have a cheeseburger?,” “Brrr!
It’s cold! Can I have my coat back?”)
- To heck with the vagina monologue! What would they SING
if it were a vagina opera? (“Anything you can do I can do greater!
Sooner or later I’m greater than you,” “It’s
a hard knock life, for us, such a hard knock life, for us,” “I’m
gonna wash that man right outta my hair...”)
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