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SAIC students set up scenarios for Celebrity Deathmatch!


Dear Pop culture enthusiasts,
When selling a celebrity icon, it seems essential to give them an arch nemesis (or two) to pit against on the holy playing field of over-exposure. Brittany vs. Xtina, Janet vs. the FCC, DJ Danger Mouse vs. copyright infringement, Hillary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan vs. The Olsen twins, (Flying) Shark vs. (Flying) Crocodile, etc. Some are real, most are machinations of the press, all are awful guilty pleasures. F News asked for good battle scenarios. Here they are, starting with one of ours:


Zombies in Dawn of the Dead (2004) vs. Zombies in 28 Days Later

Reason for Feud: Think of it as the West Side Story of the undead. Only when you hear snaps, they’re actually limbs falling off. Battle Stats: D.O.D. Zombies attack the symbol of American capitalism (a mall) while 28 Days Later zombies attack Britain. Both are zombies through infections and are crazy fast, but the latter have RAGE!

Final Outcome: Everybody wins when zombies are involved! Well, except the living. As they used to say on the sadly defunct MTV show, Celebrity Deathmatch, “Good fight, good night!”

—F News


Jesus vs. the Cross vs. Nails

Reason for feud: It was painful for Jesus to have nails driven through the cross and into his fragile skin. It was painful for the cross to have nails driven into its fragile skin. It was painful for the nails to be driven anywhere and especially painful when it is driven not into just one fragile skin but two. Battle Stats: NA.

Final Outcome: All died, some came back, who knows which ones.

—Chris Bower


Paris Hilton vs. Pamela Anderson

Reason for Feud: Because you’re never really famous until you’ve made a sex tape. Battle Stats:  Pamela’s tapes came out first, but Paris’s came at a time that furthered her career farther than anyone else without talent should ever dream to imagine. It’s also nice that Pammykins stayed far, far away from a recording studio, unlike Ms. Hilton.

Final Outcome:  Family morals lose; everyone else who doesn’t care about that kind of stuff and think it’s funny, wins.

—May Lee


Jack White and Barry White vs. Jack Black and Clint Black

Reason for Feud: Age old battle of black vs. white, dark vs. light, good vs. evil, boxers vs. briefs. Battle Stats: Tag team action is slowed a bit because Barry is actually deceased. No matter, at the last moment sister Meg comes to save the day. Now evenly matched Clint comes at Jack W. with a ferocious acoustic guitar blow. Down, but not out. Jack and Meg combine to create the robot MEGAWhite with peppermint flavored, laser blasts of terror! Clint is easily decapitated. Jack B. wastes little time and sings to the metal gods the holy, tenacious prayer of “Fuck Her Gently.” Suddenly, out in the wings, comes killa’ KG. What will happen? Who will win?

Final Outcome: Tenacious D vs. The White Stripes? I’d just like to be there to watch. But as far as deadly outcome… in a freak accident MEGAWhite shoots a laser into the crowd killing Renee Zelwegger instantly. The crowd cheers. Fight over due to joyous celebration.

—Pietro Malvo


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