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The Coffee Chronicles

Episode 4
Back in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Husky and Starch have been on many misadventures lately, and while their energy never wanes, their chaperones, Amy and Cat, are exhausted. The boys are back home after a little jaunt down south of the border. TV on low at Husky's house, they eagerly await the opening ceremonies of this year's Winter Olympics, while Amy and Cat, pens poised, are hunched over a scrap of lined paper at the kitchen table.

Amy: I don't know what to do with Husky and Starch anymore - um - they were supposed to talk about the effects of the war.

Cat: Yeah, but everybody's forgotten about the war. They don't give a shit about it. Isn't it all about the Olympics now?

Amy: So do we send Husky and Starch to the Olympics?

Cat: No, we have to stop sending them places; I think that's the problem. We started out in the Golden Nugget and maybe we need to go back there so they can just talk about terrorism, you know?

Amy: Let's ask them what they wanna do.

Cat: You wanna call them?

Amy: What do you wanna call them?

Cat: Har dee har har.

Amy: Is that Canadian for something? (Cat's a Canadian)

Cat: Oh, Delaney.

Amy: (I'm Delaney)

Cat: Yo guys, you wanna come over here a minute? Amy's got something to ask you.

Husky and Starch: Hey, Girls.

Husky: We overheard you talking - and we'd love to go to the Olympics.

Starch: Snow bunnies - oh yeah! (They high-five)

Cat: Not an option boys, we need you here.

Starch: (To Husky) Wait, is Cat the bitchy one?

Husky: No, Amy is, but Cat has her days.

Starch: (Excitedly) So what's your event anyway, Husky?

Husky: Anything Brittany's in.

Starch: I'll watch anything on ice. Especially curling. Man, those curlers have heart.

Husky: What the hell's a curler?

Starch: You know what curling is, man! You've got those round iron weights and you roll 'em across the ice, and then your buddies have got brooms and they sweep a path for it? You know? It's Scottish. ...

Husky: Doesn't sound very patriotic.

Cat: We need you to talk about the war. ...

Husky: I'm talking about the war. I said the word "patriotic," didn't I?

Starch: It said on TV that we should be more patriotic by watching the Olympics - Picabo Street is wearing a helmet with fighter jets, the flag, and the Statue of Liberty.

Amy: Jesus, didn't she have room for the twin towers?

Husky: I agree with Amy - it's called jingoism and it means we're getting dangerously nationalistic.

Amy: So now we gotta put Starch back where he belongs, asking all the ignorant questions about America...

Starch: Hey, are they gonna be wearing bullet-proof vests, Husky?

Husky: Starch that's actually a good question.

Starch: Oh! And Husky, will the athletes be allowed to pack heat? For self-defense, I mean.

Husky: Pack heat? Hey Husky, what year is it - I mean in your world?

Starch: Well they've gotta be nervous. Flying though the air in nothing but a pair of skis and an Old Glory unitard. ...

Husky: Cat, are you talking for Starch again? I mean, what the hell is Old Glory?

Cat: Isn't that American? You know, slang for the flag, the stars and stripes. ...

Husky: Fuck if I know. I don't even know the "Star Spangled Banner." I mean, I mouth it. Everybody does. You get an American to sing the entire "Star Spangled Banner" alone and I'll give you... (Cat scribbles over what Husky says here)

Cat: And The Rockets Red Flare! The Bombs Bursting In Air! You have a very violent national anthem you know Husky. ...

Husky: How would we know? There's like 40 million of us who don't even know the words.

Cat: How can you not know it?

Husky: Cat, we're trying to talk about the war here, could you blow, or shove off or whatever the hell you do when you leave a room in Canada. (She exits.)

Amy: She had a valid question. I mean, I don't know my anthem but I'm not going to any anti-war efforts either. ...

Husky: Well, what do we have to do to be patriotic?

Starch: U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! 1-2-3-4 we want to win this crazy war! Go Picabo, kick some terrorist ass!

Amy: Are you okay Starch?

Husky: Do we want to win this war?

Starch: Don't you want to win, buddy?

Husky: I don't even know anymore. How do we even know when we've "won?" It's not like some Taliban warrior is gonna throw a little white flag onto Lake Shore Drive ...

Starch: Well hello Mr. Communist! Where's McCarthy when ya need him? We know we've won when we see the parade! What I would give to ride on the Pamela Lee float. ... (Both Starch and Husky look dreamily ahead.) She'll be in the parade for sure. She's way patriotic - have you seen her in her flag bikini?

Amy: Did you guys know Pamela is Canadian?

Cat: You're kidding?

Husky: What about a Brittany float then? She was raised in the U.S. of Disneyland.

Starch: Yeah, and if that's not American, I don't know what is.

Husky: And Britany loves America - she's never been anything but a patriot!

Starch: Besides a Pamela Lee float would tip over. ...Top heavy!

Husky: Ha! (He hums to get the tune started) Oh say can you see. ...

Starch: Pamela Lee on me. ...

Husky: Now that's an anthem I could remember!

Cat: (From the other room) Some words on the war, boys?

Amy: The evil one?

Cat: The jihad?

Husky: A plague on all their houses!

Starch: Smoke 'em outta their holes!

Cat: That's what we've been missing.

Amy: Don't forget about the war just 'cause a couple bobsleds flew by.

Cat: Did you see some of those bobsledders are like 37 and have beer bellies?

Starch: Ho hum!

Husky: Really girls, you two are such snobs.

Amy: Hey, I'm a Sox fan. Sox fans are not snobs.

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