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F Oscars

We here at the illustrious Academy of Asinine Movie Critics are proud to present our nominations for the 2002 Foscars.


Worst Execution of a Director's Self- Indulgence: Tim Burton, Planet of the Apes

Best Execution of a Director's Self-Indulgence: Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings

Best Martial Arts Film Without the Use of Unnecessary Post-Matrix Wirework: Kiss of the Dragon

Patrick Swayze Award for Biggest Fall- Off: Cuba Gooding, Jr. Rat Race, Snow Dogs

Best Reason to Wipe Your Ass with Videotape: (tie) Pootie Tang and Freddie Got Fingered

Actor Most Likely to Have the Next Starring Role Alongside Steven Segal: (tie) Snoop Dogg and Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Biggest Ensemble of Actors Whose Careers are at the Bottom of the Wrigley Field Piss Troughs: Rat Race

Best Use of the Word "clit": Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Michael Bay Award for Overblown Machismo: Michael Bay, Pearl Harbor


Most Perplexing Use of Stud Actors With No Sex Scene: Ocean's Eleven

Most Likely What Made Jack Black Officially Unsexy: Saving Silverman

Most Strangely Appealing Portrayal of an Unsexy Character: Steve Buscemi, Ghost World

Yes, the Most Talked About Sex Scene, but Rightfully So: Mulholland Drive

Sexiest Movie with No Sex: In the Mood for Love


Best Hyperbolic Drug Scene: the "Goin' to Town" scene in Wet Hot American Summer

Best Gratuitous Cannibalism Scence: the "Dinner" scene in Hannibal

Most Increase in Sex Appeal Due to an Accent: Brad Pitt, Snatch

Most Devastating Loss of Sex Appeal Due to an Accent: Don Cheadle, Ocean's Eleven

Worst Use of Digital Effects: Cate Blanchett's "evil side," Lord of the Rings

Worst Movie to Fall Asleep During: Waking Life


Most Likely to Give You Whiplash: Moulin Rouge

Most Obvious Central Metaphor: (tie) Life as a House and In the Bedroom

Best Voyeuristic Outlet for Those of Us Who Are Too Scared to Try Ecstasy or Who Want to Hang Out in Hollywood with Jennifer Jason Leigh and her Buddies (It's like Fast Times and Mrs. Parker all in one, man, and with Alan Cumming!): The Anniversary Party

Best Rock Film Extravaganza (and there were several to choose from this year, I tell you): Hedwig and the Angry Inch (close second: the Egyptian film, Silence, We're Rolling)

Best Candy-colored Costume Design: The Royal Tenenbaums (come on, anyone can dress up an elf to look pretty, but Gene Hackman in pink and mint green? Brilliant! Like a big melt-away mint.)

Frances McDormand Award for Best Bad-Ass, Imperiled Pregnant Woman: Brooke Smith, Series 7: The Contenders

Movie Most Likely to Cause You to Walk Around in an Existential Daze Chanting, "I get it.": Mulholland Drive


Best Movie that Describes the U.S. President: A.I. Artificial Intelligence

Worst Movie I Paid to See: Baby Boy

Best Movie that No One Saw: No Man's Land

Best Movie to See to Meet People Who Think They Are Cooler Than You: The Royal Tenenbaums

Worst Freudian-Themed Movie: Don't Say a Word

Worst Use of Alliteration in a Movie Title: Freddy Got Fingered

Best Candidate for an In-flight Movie: Kate and Leopold

Best Supporting Actress: Halle Berry's breasts, Swordfish

Best Supporting Actor: Billy Bob Thornton's cigarettes, The Man Who Wasn't There

Lifetime Achievement Award: Snoop Doggy Dogg (Baby Boy, Bones, Training Day, The Wash, I Got the Hook-Up, Caught Up, Ride, Foolish, Half Baked)

Mistress Much-a-Know-About-Nothing

Best Budget Better Used to Feed Children in Cambodia: Mission to Mars

Best Theatre-to-VHS Flop: Glitter

Best Butt-assed Naked Sex Scene: "The WHORE" in Monster's Ball

Best Reason #899 to Not Give Jennifer Lopez a Script: Angel Eyes

Most Worthless Show of Nepotism: Will Smith casting his wife, Jada Pinkett, in Ali

Best A-list Actress in a Worthless Cameo: Angela Bassett, The Score

Best Shameless Stereotype: (tie) Pootie Tang and Legally Blonde

Best Rapper in a Box Office No-show: DMX, Exit Wounds

Best Use of Gratuitous Boob Shots: Angelina Jolie, Tomb Raider

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