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Handbags: a field guide to purses

By Anne Hankey

In order to let your purse “be all that it can be,” it needs to leave the house and see the world. Here are some fun locations where you two can go.


The Gym: where purses meet

What better place to take little pursie than the gym. You can better your body while your purse checks out all of the other bags. Please note: keep your purse away from the weight room and, consequently, “man purses”! Jack Spade and Prada may look cute, but these relationships never work out.

Trauma: what to do in an emergency

Disasters can happen. Just like a Boy Scout, you should always be prepared. Here are some helpful hints and directions, in case you ever find yourself in a bit of a purse crisis.

The choice: which purse should you carry?

Although this problem is normally ket “hush hush,” all purse owners will one day face this terrible tragedy. Which purse matches your outfit? Looking on with hopeful faces, all of your purses will want to be selected for the day’s travels.You must be strong and stick to your style instincts. Black goes with black; brown goes with brown.Logos should not be worn with other logos.Flashy and small should be worn at night.Simple and large should be worn during the day. Now the only problem is how to keep your other purses occupied while you sneak out with the chosen one...

Midday meal: purses who lunch

“Ciao Bella.” Planning play dates with other purses is an important way that you can keep your purse mentally stimulated and in good spirits. While you sip your mimosa, your purse can chat with other purses in its native tongue or learn other languages!


A lost purse: goodbyes can be difficult

A lost purse is the greatest emergency that can face any purse owner. Here is what to do:

  1. Cancel all credit cards.
  2. Email friends and family to alert them of your lost cell phone.
  3. Buy a fun new cell phone (make sure that it is small, so it fits in your clutch purses).
  4. Buy scented candles.
  5. Burn candles in memory of your lost purse and wallet.
  6. Cry.
  7. 7. Treat yourself to brunch and a shopping trip.
  8. 8. Buy a new wallet.
  9. 9. Buy a new purse.

Shopping: a return to the homeland

Going shopping with your purse can be a wonderful experience. The purse can visit its family and also help you pick out new friends for you to take home. However, this trip can evoke jealousy and be quite traumatizing. Remember to explain to your purse that it is unique and special and that no other purse better matches your orange-colored skirt.


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